Stories of family, faith, celebration, struggle and humor… #hogfan style.
The last few weeks have been a disruption for us all. Some have called it “The Great Pause of 2020.” Others, there has been no pause, it has been a high-speed chase to do their jobs, continue to care for their families, now at home ALL OF THE TIME, and somehow process all that is happening. For the healthcare workers, the public safety personnel, the educators transitioning to remote learning, the parents doing their best to do school at home for the first time, the grocery workers, and on, and on, and on, there hasn’t been a pause. For those in situations of that high-speed chase, it seems more like “The Great Disruption of 2020.” I hear you, I see you, and I am you.
Today I was looking through the glass back door of my house into my back yard. I have three dogs and this door is used frequently by the entire family. To say the door was filthy would be an understatement (I am not overly type A about keeping the windows clean). I did scrounge up the window cleaner, grabbed the paper towel roll, and went to work. What I noticed as I cleaned is that the top of the glass pane had very little dirt. However, as I worked my way down to the bottom, the paper towel became filthy.
I started thinking about the conversations I have had with friends lately. The many posts I have read. The social media posts that have been reassuring to me. In every situation, those individuals that encouraged me, helped me to see through the confusion, and work through sadness or feeling lost, I was encouraged. They helped me to symbolically lift my chin.
There is much right now that if you are looking down or comparing our own truth to someone else’s can make you seem less than. You may feel like the bottom of the glass full of dirt that can not let the light in and causes you to become downcast. Even more so it can cause you to isolate and let our own worst thoughts pull you under. However, if we look up and look through the top of the glass free of dirt and clear to let the light in we can begin to see out, and see beyond to the beauty that God wants us to see.
I do not make light that we still look down. We still become overwhelmed by our own “dirty bottom of the glass .” However, we have been given one another. Reach out to the team of your choosing and chant to one another “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!” God made us for fellowship so that we look up, look through the clear clean glass, and are filled with His light!
I also want to leave with this. You can have two opposite feelings within yourself. Recently a post was shared on a Teacher Group page that encouraged me. I was really struggling with can I have conflicting feelings about what is going on, can I have hope, while still feeling out of control? Can I feel like I am confident my work is doing great things for others while feeling my parenting and quality time with my children is lacking? What I decided is, YES. I am sharing the image from the post that was shared with my group in case there are others that it can help.
I am thankful for those in my team who have helped me lift my chin, look up through the clear glass and see the light. I hope that you have the same. If you don’t think you have a team, please reach out. If not to me through the comments, to someone in your circle of co-workers, relatives, or acquaintances. In this time most of us are acutely aware of how we need each other and are more than willing to support others.
Moving in any stage of life is a challenge. Once the basic needs are taken care of and you are able to locate the grocery store, a couple of restaurants, the nearest gas stations and have settled into a routine, the next need comes into play. The need for community and friends. When I was growing up and moved, you were thrown into a pool of peers, almost like forced socialization. When I moved as a newlywed we had the freedom with time and flexibility to meet other young couples. As we transitioned into the early stages of family and moved, again, that stage of life seemed to naturally create an opportunity for friends, motherhood is a time of desperation that brings you together with others struggling in similar life journeys. Early stages of parenthood gave way to connections when the kids entered elementary school and often crossed over into the nearby church we attended. So making friends, while sometimes daunting, in each situation had an obvious “entry point.”
This most recent move, however, has created a new set of difficulties in the realm of friendship. We have moved to an area of the country that is more static with people moving in and out, compared to where we were in Texas. In Texas, there was always a new person who had moved to town and we all had been that new person at one point or another. We welcomed them, just as we had been welcomed. Invited to lunch after church, asked to join other families for a get-together, or every person just made a point to continually greet one another and talk to one another when we ran into one another. Community happened with ease. In our new home in our new state, people have their “set” circle. Comically it reminds me of “Meet the Fockers” and the “Inner Circle of Trust.” To break that circle takes an inordinate amount of time, which brings me to my next challenge. The current reality of my children’s schedules. They are active, smart and involved. I do not plan to change that, however, that severely limits my ability to direct my focus to other things. Namely the time that it would take to “break” into a circle. So I write this letter:
Dear New Friend,
My family came here by unusual circumstances. We were not prepared to move here. We thought our children would graduate from the school district where they had started Kindergarten in Texas.
The decision to be where we are now was one that took an adjustment. We left a lot of things that we enjoyed. Great schools, great friends, awesome grocery stores, incredible restaurants, and a church home. One unusual tidbit, I grew up here in Arkansas, graduated from both high school and college in this state, my parents, sister, and family, and youngest brother and family live in the state, along with an aunt, uncle, and cousins. However, we have not found community here.
Our kids are adjusting, but we worry. We really hope they won’t hate us and they will find life-long friends here and keep the friends that they left behind.
We didn’t come here altogether. It was so hard for us to make our kids leave the only home they had ever known that we tried for me to stay with the kids in Texas while my husband worked in Arkansas. We made the choice to become a two household-still marriage intact family (despite all the rumors of divorce that surfaced). We worked hard to make it work. It kind of did. However, the it kind of didn’t was what brought us together in our current residence as a family after a year apart. My kids still wish we had tried harder to keep up the two households.
Don’t get me wrong. Our kids are great. They have adjusted and made the best of things. They excel in their academics and extra-curricular activities. However, they aren’t making those deep friend connections I would hope they would have by now to the extent I had hoped, and I can’t help thinking that is because I am not making friends either.
I had great friends in Texas. I also have a few great friends from the places I moved before Texas. I think if you met them, they would tell you I am a good friend. Serious, but funny. Will love your kids like I love my own. Loyal like a labrador. Love my husband. Struggle with some of my childhood experiences. Love my immediate family fiercely. Probably brag too much about my amazing kids… see there?
I want to have great friendships here too. However, there seems to be a lockdown on getting into the friendship circles here that is like Fort Knox, and I don’t have the time or the will to figure out the combination.
I am going to lay it bare here in this letter. My hope is that someone will read it and like it. Maybe you will give things a shot or when you do read, even if you don’t live close to me, you will give that new girl at work, at your kids basketball game or at church a little more of a smile, offer her an invite to coffee, or just chat her up a bit and take the edge off of her attempt at making friends. Trust me, I have put on a brave face, attempted to insert myself into a “set” circle and been “ghosted.” (By the way, I didn’t realize at forty-six adult women can make you feel like a teenage loser like in high school!)
Back to a little about me. I hate to exercise but try to because I know it is best. I love to read but with my schedule, I have become an avid audiobook-phile. I like to craft but rarely do because of time. Not huge into cooking although I am not bad at it. Like to bake, but only from about October 1st to the end of February. I also love dark beers, a glass of most kinds of wine, a good gin and tonic, or a cranberry vodka. I am a huge college football fan but not so much an NFL fan. My favorite outfit is yoga pants, a soft t-shirt, and bare feet, however, most of the time you will see me dressed semi-casually in typical 40-something appropriate outfits with my TOMs wedges, wishing I was in my yoga pants, t-shirt and bare feet. I have two dogs, two cats, and a pet snake. I have a gift of learning a little bit about someone and determining based on that information what wine they like or would like… I have been given the name of #winefairy, and I carry that honor with pride. I love the idea of going to social events, trying new restaurants and experiencing community, but when push comes to shove, I am a homebody at heart.
Church has been a constant throughout my life, but the real relationship between me and Jesus has been more real in the past twenty years of my life than it was from age 0-26. If you were to try to put who I am on a t-shirt it would say “I love Jesus, I cuss a little, drink a little more, and love hard.”
In addition to all this, I am a public educator and am passionate about excellence in PUBLIC education. Other than Jesus, I believe education is the key to transforming lives. I am passionate about this part of my life, too.
So here it is. Take it or leave it, but this is who I am and I think it is pretty o.k. I am not sure why making friends has been more difficult this time. It hasn’t been for lack of attempts on my part.
If you have read this far, thank you. I hope as you read this it encourages you to be open, reach out to the “new people” in your path and invite them into your “circle.” This may not improve my current friend situation, but it makes me hopeful. After all, I am a good friend material who wouldn’t want to be my friend!
Moving sucks. It’s not just the packing of boxes, unpacking of boxes, painting, re-painting, registering kids in new schools, learning the ins and outs of a new community, school, work culture that sucks. It’s that no matter how much your kiddos are seeming to adjust, and you are getting along; in the middle of it all… YOU MISS YOUR PEOPLE!
I now spend an average of two hours chauffering kids to events and such each day. This increased time as a MOM TAXI has pushed me into the world of Audiobooks. I first listened to “Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess” by Jen Hatmaker. I learned really quickly this is not the best book to read AFTER you have moved twice in one year AND started a new job while starting kids in a new school. I was not in the right spirit to receive its message. I did take some of the intent from it, and at some point, I plan to revisit. Even though the message is not for me RIGHT NOW, I did discover the efficiency and convenience that audiobooks provided.
I took a break from the blog/female Christian author genre and listened to a work-related book “4 Disciplines of Execution” by McChesney, Hulen, and S. Covey. You can read more about that in my professional blog post titled “Whirlwind and the WIG,” if you would like.
I revisited the blog/female Christian author genre, again, this time a bit more carefully. I chose “Uninvited: Living Loved When You Fell Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely” by Lisa TerKeurst. Holy, moly. Talk about getting down to the heart of the matter. I am undone by this book and feeling freer than I ever have and at the same time feeling raw, so raw. It is times like this, I miss my people. I need to share the rawness, the part of me that has become undone and vulnerable.
After that, I jumped into “Present over Perfect: Leaving Behind Franctic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living” by Shauna Niequist and let me tell you, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.
This move has sucked. I am missing my people, but “reading” these last two books, I have realized this dish of misery called “moving” is secretly and a dish of “do-over.”
I am getting a do-over. It doesn’t take away that I miss my people and my kids do too. I watched tears stream down my daughter’s face last night as we discussed the sixteenth birthday coming up in December that isn’t anything that we thought it would be, nor would it be in the place we once called home. I know it will be ok. Between the Mom Taxi, the audiobooks, and learning to begin again… we will find the birthday celebration event of the century.
In the meantime, I will hold tight to the things that matter. I will live loved and in the present. And yes, if you are meeting me for the first time, you may see a tear in my eye and hear a rawness in my voice. For this move has left me bare, stripped of my people and working hard to begin again. Only this time I begin a little better than before and leaning hard on a Savior that loves me.
I have been waiting. Wanting to have the perfect post about our transition. That waiting… it made me malcontent. Instead of focusing on the moment(s) and relishing those little ways God was revealing he had my back, I was focusing on the “dream.”
The “dream” for me, for my kids, for my husband and for our family.
Back up to a time before all this crazy transitioning.
I was reading the book, 100 Days to Brave by Annie Downs. I had started reading when I was feeling less than who I felt God had purposed me to be. I started it as a way to find my way back to what I knew myself to be, in God’s eyes.
When the flurry of moving, transitioning from two households back to one household were taking place and everything seemed to be falling into place, I put the book to the side in late April.
Fast forward to late July. I am about three weeks into my new position in Arkansas that I am over the moon about. I am living in a house I never dreamed I would live in. I have just traded the “soccer mom vehicle” for a sporty little car that makes me feel like I am in college again. I am celebrating 24 years of marriage to the best guy in the world. I should be on top of the world.
But I am not. I am worried about my kids. We went from so many opportunities and experiences at their fingertips in Texas to a situation that I fret might limit them. I start to worry, try to control every connection, and orchestrate every move. I become the “helicopter mom” that engineers EVERYTHING.
It is ugly. My kids in every public setting with others give me a wary look when I start “my thing.” I don’t like myself, they don’t say it, but they don’t like me either.
I really didn’t even notice how bad I had become. I was operating from a place of fear not in a place of assurance and bravery that God has us all in the palm of his hand.
We started school. August 13th, and like we always do we cheat and take our “Back toSchool” pictures the day before.I even went to the local college where EmBug is taking concurrent credit (college and high school credit at the same time) for a class and took a picture. So I can post on social media subtly “my kid is in college!” I think she met her limit (see the picture… if you know her that is “the look.”) I know, shameful!
I did do something right in all this engineering of my kiddos future. We started praying every morning before they left for school. We did this the year before the family was living in two separate places. I honestly started it to, in my “wise” mind, to settle their nerves and subtly remind THEM, God is in control. I know, you can say it, what a hypocrite!
I think those prayers, however, were slowly pulling at my own heart. So I picked up the book, “100 Days to Brave” again. The first night I started reading again, I posted on Instagram (See image). I was still in a state of worry, but the conviction to back off on my engineering was received and acknowledged.
The next day after work when I was looking at the posts from friends, one of my dearest friends that walked me through the earliest parts of motherhood, replied to my post, “Oh KIWI, NOBODY loves your kids more than God does! Hard to remember, but keep trying! And… fear is imagining the future as if God is not in it.” If I didn’t know better I would have thought that God was speaking directly to me. Maybe he was, through my dear and wise friend.
Tonight as I write this post, bearing a little bit of the reality, and knowing I have no idea what the future holds for my kids, I am at peace. That doesn’t mean I haven’t emailed a few teachers in haste since this revelation… I am a work in progress. However, God’s plans are bigger than my dreams. Dreams for myself. Dreams for my kids. Dreams for my husband. Dreams for this family.
Honestly, life is good. I am so grateful for life right now. Sitting on the back deck kicking back, drinking a beverage with my husband and listening to voices of my children as they chat back and forth about their day in the kitchen on the other side of the brick wall affixed to the deck.
We are embracing our new life and, with God in control, it is beautiful.
What a journey this last year has been. We have had many celebrations and many moments of grief. Through it all God has been with us. Comforted us. Grown us.
Kritterman’s journey into middle school was smooth sailing. He excelled in all areas… some in his sister’s footsteps with theater. Others were on his own path… specifically in the area of band. At first I wasn’t sure band was for him. When he started to shine, I thought it was due to the competition with his fellow saxophonist. Later I was informed it was due to my threat when he made a “B” on a playing test. I don’t recall saying this, but according to him I told him if he made another “B” in band I was yanking him out. I don’t necessarily recommend this type of parenting, but I guess I had a weak moment and it worked to both of our advantages. He ended the year, first chair, superior plus rating on his solo in Solo and Ensemble contest, and best instrumentalist of the day by the judge he played in front of at Solo and Ensemble. As I type this he is at a Band Camp in Arkansas. It is his first overnight camp and he knows no one. He has texted a few times, but he is loving it AND on his own accord signed up for extra classes for support with his saxophone and with the upcoming season of All-Region Music for Arkansas. He is going to be o.k.
EmBug’s transition to high school was a bit bumpy at first. Taking three pre-AP classes, one AP class, Productions, Theater I, Advanced Girls Choir and on online Spanish II class made for a tight schedule and some long nights. Over time she found a rhythm. Highlights of her year included a leading role in Eaton Drama Department’s freshmen production of “Radium Girls.” She also worked tirelessly with throughout the production of “May Fair Lady” as a chorus member. Her pinnacle achievement was being cast in the award winning One Act Play (OAP) “The Insanity of Mary Girard.” At times I was worried about her social life, as she rarely had a spare moment and every moment she utilized. However, my worries were put to rest, as the final week she was in Texas she was thrown a good bye party with her friends and was occupied for breakfast, lunch and dinner that last week by one sweet friend or another who wanted to squeeze out just a few more moments with her.
In both kiddos situations we are blessed. Not just this year, but every year they attended a Northwest ISD school. We have had so many teachers invest in EmBug and Kritter. Encouraging them. Building them up and challenging them. Their teachers, in many cases, have become my friends as well. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate them. I love my kids, and so do these teachers. These teachers loved my kids in a way I, as a mother, cannot. They taught them to take criticism and coached them in a way I could not. These teachers allowed the environment of school dynamics play out, whether it be collaborative projects or planning activities with others that came with its own set of challenges, when I would have just tried to rescue Kritterman and EmBug.
I am eager for the journey ahead of us, and thankful for those that prepared us for the road ahead. I know that God has a plan for these kiddos. I know that every teacher in their path will guide them. We will miss Northwest ISD. However, I am eager for the next chapter in our journey.
Twenty years ago this upcoming fall Eric came home to our 1930’s eight hundred square foot salt box two bedroom home in Ozark, Arkansas and told me he was being transferred with Cargill, Inc. to Waco, Texas. He, being a native Texan, was excited. I, on the other hand, a native Arkansan, was not.
After lots of tears on my part, we put the miles between my home state and headed toward Texas. At the time I thought it only had to be for a little while. Five years later and a baby on the way, we contemplated coming back to Arkansas. I sought opportunities but nothing came our way. At that time I fully embraced that Arkansas would be my childhood home and where Eric and I met and fell in love, but Waco, Texas would be our forever home.
Six months after EmBug was born we made the decision for me to stay at home. I was connecting with other young moms and embracing the idea of motherhood, growing as a person and learning about the me outside of a career. It seemed to be a perfect time and about the time I was becoming content in my new normal Eric came home to share we were moving again. This time I wasn’t as resistant and ultimately we were staying in Texas, my adopted home state.
Our move to Fort Worth (Keller area) was exciting. I was expecting Kritter and we moved into our new much bigger home than the one in Waco just a week before my third trimester. On the surface everything seemed to be going great.
However, the next few years were a series of ups and downs that challenged our strength, caused us to question our faith, and left us wondering. We experienced extreme joy, incredible celebrations, terrible loss and painful disappointment.
Extreme joys and celebrations included the birth of Kristopher, me returning to my love of teaching as a third grade classroom teacher in Haslet, Texas (north of Fort Worth) and us buying a home on some land in “the country.”
In the time we were in Texas we continued to bring the kids back to Arkansas to go to Razorback games, visit sights and see family and friends. We also, through Eric’s career and professional contacts developed a sweet friendship with Ed and Carey Ruff. Ed and his Dad, David, owned Morrilton Packing Company. We would see them at Eric’s professional conventions and occasionally in Arkansas. There was occasionally a brief and casual conversation about Eric coming to Arkansas to work for the Ruff’s, but nothing very serious.
Then a series of events beyond our understanding or reason began to happen for Eric. Every time we thought we were moving forward, him in his career, us as a family, it was as though life would take a sucker punch to the gut and rob us of the opportunity to exhale. It was beyond our comprehension why this kept happening, but we didn’t doubt God loved us, and he would bring us through this just as he had brought us through so many other trials.
During probably the fifth sucker punch event in less than a year in May of 2017, Ed and Dave Ruff called Eric. The same week they offered him an opportunity to come to Morrilton Packing Company in Morrilton, Arkansas EmBug, as an incoming freshman, made Eaton High School Theater Production, an audition only high school theater class. We told the Ruff’s no.
The crazy thing is even though we said no to the job opportunity, we did decide it was time to sell our home in “the country.” While in the process of listing the house the Ruff’s came back with an offer we couldn’t refuse. The kids and I would stay here and allow EmBug to finish High School while Eric would set up our future home in Arkansas, work at Morrilton Packing Company and come back to Texas on weekends. We would make the trip to Arkansas on long weekends and holidays.
Eric had spent so much time on the road when he was in sales and service that we felt the adjustment would not be to hard.
Now I look back at the last almost twenty years. I see how many times I had my timeline and God had his. In every situation it was for his glory, to build my faith and to trust his timing.
Do I think we should have moved with Eric? No, not at all. God has been moving in our family in quiet and unseen ways. He has strengthened our marriage, is teaching our kids to trust Him and is continually showing us all his timing is perfect. So while we originally thought we would be staying for four more years, we decided, with God’s guidance, one year was just right.
Soon we will be packing our things and putting miles between my “adopted home” of Texas to come back home to my childhood home, where a piece of my heart never left. And while the journey back may have seemed long, every day my heart was brought back to the one true home of my Savior and my God. Arkansas may be our forever home… but at this point it is our here on earth home. Wherever we reside, my faith and trust will be in Christ.
Early December of 2017 I started thinking about “One Word” for 2018. As the “keeper” of so much of our families events, activities and daily living, it became very apparent that before I selected a personal “One Word,” my family needed their own “One Word” we could all get behind, use to push us forward, anchor our core values, and weather the challenges that would be coming our way.
It wasn’t until we took our family trip starting New Year’s Day 2018 (a new Christmas gift tradition for the kids), that the uninterrupted family time could provide opportunity for organic conversations and discussions to take place helping us select our word. It was on third day of our trip to California, as we drove through the vastness of the Joshua Tree National Park that we began to discuss what the Wilson Family’s “One Word” would be. To keep each individual’s ideas respected and honest, each family member was to submit three words to me. After some time given to ponder, each family member submitted their three words.
Words submitted were:
patience, exceed, thrive, nice, understanding, anticipate, intentional, dedicate, faith, serendipity, embrace (2)
Using a loose version of the “Affinity Map Protocol” from my educational coaching tool box, we put the words into related or similar groups and then looked for what might be similar or capture the meaning of all of our words into either a new word or a word that had already been part of our original list of words.
Our “One Word” wasn’t decided by the end of our trip. We revisited it several times.
Mid-January we moved toward the word “Embrace.” The timing of our family knowing this was the word was truly God’s timing.
Yet, I waited to write about it for almost a month. It was a word we had to “try on.”
It has found it’s way into many conversations with our children, with our marriage and with our interactions with others. Most of all it has defined how we, as a family, are walking in faith, trusting God’s plan and EMBRACING his will for us.
Embrace, as a noun, means “an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically;” as a verb, means “accept or support (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically.”
Whether as a noun or verb, the response is willingly and/or enthusiastically. So whatever we as a family encounter, or have an opportunity to impact, we will EMBRACE with willingness and enthusiasm.
“Embrace” is our family’s “One Word” that confirmed my personal “One Word” for 2018. If you are interested in my personal “One Word” you can learn more about that through my professional blog “Tag You’re It.”
How to Teach Without a Lecture and other fun
Free college admissions and financial aid information and advice
K12 educational transformation through technology
Stories about people and happenings and what they might mean.
True, he said; how could they see anything but the shadows if they were never allowed to move their heads?
Stories of family, faith, celebration, struggle and humor... #hogfan style.
Engaging in conversation around Education and Leadership
Sharing education-related thoughts, insights & reflections
Stories of family, faith, celebration, struggle and humor... #hogfan style.
Stories of family, faith, celebration, struggle and humor... #hogfan style.
Sarcasm and Politics
INNOVATIVE IDEAS INCORPORATING TECHNOLOGY INTO SOCIAL WORK PRACTICE
Helping educators think differently about how schools and districts operate.
Stories of family, faith, celebration, struggle and humor... #hogfan style.
Just another WordPress.com site