His plans are bigger than your dreams…

I have been waiting. Wanting to have the perfect post about our transition. That waiting… it made me malcontent. Instead of focusing on the moment(s) and relishing those little ways God was revealing he had my back, I was focusing on the “dream.”

The “dream” for me, for my kids, for my husband and for our family.

Back up to a time before all this crazy transitioning.

I was reading the book, 100 Days to Brave by Annie Downs. I had started reading when I was feeling less than who I felt God had purposed me to be. I started it as a way to find my way back to what I knew myself to be, in God’s eyes.

When the flurry of moving, transitioning from two households back to one household were taking place and everything seemed to be falling into place, I put the book to the side in late April.

Fast forward to late July. I am about three weeks into my new position in Arkansas that I am over the moon about. I am living in a house I never dreamed I would live in. I have just traded the “soccer mom vehicle” for a sporty little car that makes me feel like I am in college again. I am celebrating 24 years of marriage to the best guy in the world. I should be on top of the world.

But I am not. I am worried about my kids. We went from so many opportunities and experiences at their fingertips in Texas to a situation that I fret might limit them. I start to worry, try to control every connection, and orchestrate every move. I become the “helicopter mom” that engineers EVERYTHING.

Image-1It is ugly. My kids in every public setting with others give me a wary look when I start “my thing.” I don’t like myself, they don’t say it, but they don’t like me either.

I really didn’t even notice how bad I had become. I was operating from a place of fear not in a place of assurance and bravery that God has us all in the palm of his hand.

We started school. August 13th, and like we always do we cheat and take our “Back toSchool” pictures the day before.I even went to the local college where EmBug is taking concurrent credit (college and high school credit at the same time) for a class and took a picture.IMG_0747 So I can post on social media subtly “my kid is in college!” I think she met her limit (see the picture… if you know her that is “the look.”) I know, shameful!

I did do something right in all this engineering of my kiddos future. We started praying every morning before they left for school. We did this the year before the family was living in two separate places. I honestly started it to, in my “wise” mind, to settle their nerves and subtly remind THEM, God is in control. I know, you can say it, what a hypocrite!

I think those prayers, however, were slowly pulling at my own heart. So I picked up the book, “100 Days to Brave” again. The first night I started reading again, I posted on Instagram (See image). IMG_0745I was still in a state of worry, but the conviction to back off on my engineering was received and acknowledged.

The next day after work when I was looking at the posts from friends, one of my dearest friends that walked me through the earliest parts of motherhood, replied to my post, “Oh KIWI, NOBODY loves your kids more than God does! Hard to remember, but keep trying! And… fear is imagining the future as if God is not in it.” If I didn’t know better I would have thought that God was speaking directly to me. Maybe he was, through my dear and wise friend.

Tonight as I write this post, bearing a little bit of the reality, and knowing I have no idea what the future holds for my kids, I am at peace. That doesn’t mean I haven’t emailed a few teachers in haste since this revelation… I am a work in progress. However, God’s plans are bigger than my dreams. Dreams for myself. Dreams for my kids. Dreams for my husband. Dreams for this family.

Honestly, life is good. I am so grateful for life right now. Sitting on the back deck kicking back, drinking a beverage with my husband and listening to voices of my children as they chat back and forth about their day in the kitchen on the other side of the brick wall affixed to the deck.

We are embracing our new life and, with God in control, it is beautiful.

 

 

The Long Journey Home…

My PostTwenty years ago this upcoming fall Eric came home to our 1930’s eight hundred square foot salt box two bedroom home in Ozark, Arkansas and told me he was being transferred with Cargill, Inc. to Waco, Texas. He, being a native Texan, was excited. I, on the other hand, a native Arkansan, was not.

After lots of tears on my part, we put the miles between my home state and headed toward Texas. At the time I thought it only had to be for a little while. Five years later and a baby on the way, we contemplated coming back to Arkansas. I sought opportunities but nothing came our way. At that time I fully embraced that Arkansas would be my childhood home and where Eric and I met and fell in love, but  Waco, Texas would be our forever home.

Six months after EmBug was born we made the decision for me to stay at home. I was connecting with other young moms and embracing the idea of motherhood, growing as a person and learning about the me outside of a career. It seemed to be a perfect time and about the time I was becoming content in my new normal Eric came home to share we were moving again. This time I wasn’t as resistant and ultimately we were staying in Texas, my adopted home state.

Our move to Fort Worth (Keller area) was exciting. I was expecting Kritter and we moved into our new much bigger home than the one in Waco just a week before my third trimester. On the surface everything seemed to be going great.

However, the next few years were a series of ups and downs that challenged our strength, caused us to question our faith, and left us wondering. We experienced extreme joy, incredible celebrations, terrible loss and painful disappointment.

Extreme joys and celebrations included the birth of Kristopher, me returning to my love of teaching as a third grade classroom teacher in Haslet, Texas (north of Fort Worth) and us buying a home on some land in “the country.”

In the time we were in Texas we continued to bring the kids back to Arkansas to go to Razorback games, visit sights and see family and friends. We also, through Eric’s career and professional contacts developed a sweet friendship with Ed and Carey Ruff. Ed and his Dad, David, owned Morrilton Packing Company. We would see them at Eric’s professional conventions and occasionally in Arkansas. There was occasionally a brief and casual conversation about Eric coming to Arkansas to work for the Ruff’s, but nothing very serious.

Then a series of events beyond our understanding or reason began to happen for Eric. Every time we thought we were moving forward, him in his career, us as a family, it was as though life would take a sucker punch to the gut and rob us of the opportunity to exhale. It was beyond our comprehension why this kept happening, but we didn’t doubt God loved us, and he would bring us through this just as he had brought us through so many other trials.

During probably the fifth sucker punch event in less than a year in May of 2017, Ed and Dave Ruff called Eric. The same week they offered him an opportunity to come to Morrilton Packing Company in Morrilton, Arkansas EmBug, as an incoming freshman, made Eaton High School Theater Production, an audition only high school theater class. We told the Ruff’s no.

The crazy thing is even though we said no to the job opportunity, we did decide it was time to sell our home in “the country.” While in the process of listing the house the Ruff’s came back with an offer we couldn’t refuse. The kids and I would stay here and allow EmBug to finish High School while Eric would set up our future home in Arkansas, work at Morrilton Packing Company and come back to Texas on weekends. We would make the trip to Arkansas on long weekends and holidays.

Eric had spent so much time on the road when he was in sales and service that we felt the adjustment would not be to hard.

Now I look back at the last almost twenty years. I see how many times I had my timeline and God had his. In every situation it was for his glory, to build my faith and to trust his timing.

Do I think we should have moved with Eric? No, not at all. God has been moving in our family in quiet and unseen ways. He has strengthened our marriage, is teaching our kids to trust Him and is continually showing us all his timing is perfect. So while we originally thought we would be staying for four more years, we decided, with God’s guidance, one year was just right.

Soon we will be packing our things and putting miles between my “adopted home” of Texas to come back home to my childhood home, where a piece of my heart never left. And while the journey back may have seemed long, every day my heart was brought back to the one true home of my Savior and my God. Arkansas may be our forever home… but at this point it is our here on earth home. Wherever we reside, my faith and trust will be in Christ.

 

Finding THE “One Word”…

Early December of 2017 I started thinking about “One Word” for 2018. As the “keeper” of so much of our families events, activities and daily living, it became very apparent that before I selected a personal “One Word,” my family needed their own “One Word” we could all get behind, use to push us forward, anchor our core values, and weather the challenges that would be coming our way.

joshua tree family picIt wasn’t until we took our family trip starting New Year’s Day 2018 (a new Christmas gift tradition for the kids), that the uninterrupted family time could provide opportunity for organic conversations and discussions to take place helping us select our word. It was on third day of our trip to California, as we drove through the vastness of the Joshua Tree National Park that we began to discuss what the Wilson Family’s “One Word” would be. To keep each individual’s ideas respected and honest, each family member was to submit three words to me. After some time given to ponder, each family member submitted their three words.

Words submitted were:

patience, exceed, thrive, nice, understanding, anticipate, intentional, dedicate, faith, serendipity, embrace (2)

Using a loose version of the “Affinity Map Protocol” from my educational coaching tool box, we put the words into related or similar groups and then looked for what might be similar or capture the meaning of all of our words into either a new word or a word that had already been part of our original list of words.

Our “One Word” wasn’t decided by the end of our trip. We revisited it several times.

Mid-January we moved toward the word “Embrace.” The timing of our family knowing this was the word was truly God’s timing.

Yet, I waited to write about it for almost a month. It was a word we had to “try on.”

It has found it’s way into many conversations with our children, with our marriage and with our interactions with others. Most of all it has defined how we, as a family, are walking in faith, trusting God’s plan and EMBRACING his will for us.

Embrace, as a noun, means “an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically;” as a verb, means “accept or support (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically.”

Whether as a noun or verb, the response is willingly and/or enthusiastically. So whatever we as a family encounter, or have an opportunity to impact, we will EMBRACE with willingness and enthusiasm.

_And for this further reason we render unceasing thanks to God, that when you received God's Message from our lips, it was as no mere message from men that you embraced it, but as--what

“Embrace” is our family’s “One Word” that confirmed my personal “One Word” for 2018. If you are interested in my personal “One Word” you can learn more about that through my professional blog “Tag You’re It.”

 

This is a STAGE in life… right?

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my job. I love serving in my church. I love my family. I love my friends.

Easter 2017

Easter 2017 with Eric. Love this picture of us!

I love spending time with my kids and my husband. I don’t see my time I spend on my work outside of the normal working day as intrusive or excessive; I enjoy every minute of my job, even when some days the hours are long. I love serving in my church. I love and treasure the time I spend with my family. Unfortunately, not much is left for my friends.

As my time is being taken up more by my children’s events and activities, it leaves very little time for “friend time.” For me, if there is a conflict between my children’s events and activities, time with my husband and/or family time and an opportunity to spend it with my friends… it will always be kids, husband and family. Right now those conflicts are happening so much, I find myself disconnected from friends.

It’s my fault. However, I wouldn’t change the decision I have made to put my kids/ husband/family first. I have even seen it said that if you find your friendships fading it is because you have become self-absorbed or busy with your life, and not taken the time to invest in your friendships. I don’t disagree… but I can’t tell my kids I won’t be at their events, performances and moments. I also can’t tell my husband I would rather go out with the girls on a Saturday night after he has been traveling weeks at a time and wants to spend time with me.

So that brings me back to finding myself disconnected from friends. I don’t like that my friendships have grown apart, that I don’t have meaningful conversations with my friends on a frequent basis, or that I don’t get invited to fun nights out. That is on me.

So I ask myself, how do I fix that?

Well, you have to be a friend to have a friend, right? That requires time and investment, and I am right where I started. So I think I am resigning myself to the truth about this time in my life… it is a STAGE.

Kinder round up kris

Text from the parents of a family that Kritter gave a tour for Kindergarten Roundup. This is the school where he attends and I am the Assistant Principal.

I apologize to all my friends who may have assumed that I just didn’t want to be friends anymore because I never call… not true. I just am trying to stay one football game and musical performance ahead of my kiddos and still have a meaningful marriage.

I hope I don’t look back and regret that I didn’t make more effort to find the time for my friends. I do know I don’t regret a moment I have been present to treasure my husband or my kids.

It has been the surprise moments where I have chosen to be there for my kids that I have seen God work. Seen how they are growing up into amazing adults. They have also seen how their mom and dad love each other, because we spend what little time we have, together. So this STAGE… it won’t be long, and I am working on being content with that.

EmBug, age 14, Leading Youth Worship May 3rd, 2017

In This Storm…

plot twist

I have fallen into a Social Media trap. I post and brag about the perfection in my family’s life. I don’t share the ugly, the weaknesses, the shortcomings, the failures. It was ok for me to share the perfection. I was good with sharing, bragging, boasting of the things I had done, my husband had done or my children had done.

“Look at how ‘blessed’ I am,” is what I was saying…

But where was God in all this? Where was my reliance on my savior? Where was the being ok, if everything isn’t ok?

And then the domino of events began…

First, my husband had a minor stroke in January. Then, after that, there was a series of minor events where hopes were dashed and financial concerns surfaced. In every situation I kept saying to myself: “this is not a big deal; we can get through this; it could be worse.”

Of course, in true educator fashion, I kept plowing through events, thinking… “Once summer break is here, I can reflect, reorganize and refocus. It will all be better with a break and a little vacation.”

Then it came, Memorial Day Weekend, the small domino of events chipping away at my resolve turned from a snowball of concern to the impending doom of an avalanche. My husband was pursued via litigation by a previous employer. For the next three weeks everyday was an unknown and my unease and fears grew. I hadn’t had the opportunity to reflect, reorganize, or refocus. Vacation was off the calendar, too. Then Friday, the final blow. His present employer stepped away. No income.

So my pseudo-perfect world came crashing down. I found myself feeling vulnerable, afraid and questioning why. Why is God letting this happen?

Then sweet friends have come to my side. Encouraging me in hugs, prayers and sending me words of encouragement and scripture. It is amazing.

I feel “blessed” but in a humble and undeserving way. A way which I did not create or design. In the same way I was given Christ’s love, undeserved and without condition.

Our little family has come together, and in true humor we are yelling “Plot Twist!” (see above meme) Having faith that God knows the plan. A plan not based on our actions but His character; we are confident we are loved and cared for by a God much greater than us.

I saw a video this weekend at my church’s service. It was a lead into the message that focused on father’s. Over and over again, the message from the father’s in the video was “You’ve got this.” I don’t think I have “got this” except with the Father by my side, I know “He’s got this!”

This morning I was reading His Word and trying to find peace in this season. My sister texted me the scripture below. It is the most comforting words I have received so far… and, of course, it is His word!Ps 143 vs 1 to 12

As I go forward, I am not sure what the plan is. I will continue to post moments of things that my family have done that make my heart happy (plus I have grandparents to keep up to date on the latest about the kiddos). However, I am working on not making this about what I have done or deserve, but the true, transparent work God is doing in me and my family. I am working to be less perfect and more what is the real us. So just to let you know I am trying to #keepitreal and #keepitpositive, while giving the credit of all of this life I have to the one who provides… Abba, Father.

I will praise Him in all things. I will praise Him… IN THIS STORM.

 

 

Where did the time go?

Christmas party parker products 2015

Somewhere between the last snow day in March of 2015 and January 1st, 2016 my good intentions and many plans to blog about events, activities and celebrations remained unwritten and many images are still stored in “the cloud.”

So in an attempt to capture what was missed the next 3 posts for “The Wilson Family Stories from Razorback Ranch” blog will consist of a list of Embug’s, Kritterman’s and our Family’s top events of 2015.

Hopefully in 2016 the posts will be frequent, short and keep us smiling!

 

Goodbye, Dear Jan…

Today I woke.  Convinced myself that running while it was thundering outside may result in a lightning strike, and attempted to rest.  Unsuccessful, I did what many do once they wake up, check my Facebook feed.  There it was, Jan had left this world to join her Heavenly Father.  Free from cancer, sin and the other perils of this sinful world.  I must have been holding my breath, because I gasped for air and then quietly let the tears fall.

I am happy she is no longer suffering, but selfishly I want her here.

Mostly because I want the time I wasted when she was here to fix all the missed birthdays, opportunities to visit with her, and a second go around at being a better friend.  Be the friend she was to me.  I know she forgave my absent minded, busy, self-focused excuses, but now I am left with forgiving myself.

Jan was the first real friend I had when I moved to Waco.  From the Facebook posts I have read, I am not the only one she was the “Welcome Wagon” to Waco.  She was the one who brought me to a church family at Columbus Avenue, when I was struggling to find a church home.  As we became closer, she was my walking partner, craft/stamper partner in crime, and mentor.

Jan showed me how blessed it is to be a mother and wife.  She modeled how to “make” memories with her family and “make” cinnamon candy at Christmas.

  Gohring cinnamon candy Gohring friends and family

When my own mother and family were too far away for holidays and baby showers, she eagerly jumped in to provide those moments.

Gohring2 Gohring 1  Gohring couples

Christmas with Jan her Family and Eric and I

Gohring baby shower

Jan as lead hostess at my Baby Shower for my first born

Jan never missed a moment to foster, develop and deepen relationships with others.  She would talk with you all night and then make you pancackes in the morning… she never left a heart or tummy empty at her home.

There were very few that came in to see me when I was still in my delivery “garb” when I had Embug.  With her there was no question she should be there.  For a scared first time mom, her hugs and words of reassurance were all I needed.

Gohring Ems birth

I wish I could say I did the same for her. She was amazing.  Unlimitless love, devotion and friendship.

It was evident not only in her, but her children.  Steve(her husband) and Jan loved each other and their kids ferociously.  Their kids loved everyone around them as well.

gohring and em

Scott (Jan’s youngest) holding Embug under Jan’s watchful eye.

The service is Saturday.  It will be a tearful, yet joyful celebration of Jan’s life and her new life in Heaven.  I know many will miss her, I definitely will.  What I will mourn, though, are the moments I did not take, and the opportunities I let slip by to do as Jan did, and live a life of ferocious, intentional and passionate love for others.

I am so thankful for the brief time that I had the blessing of being in Jan’s life.  She taught me so many lessons about motherhood, marriage, friendship and crafting, yes, crafting.

On Saturday, Jan’s family has asked us to bring purple handmade cards with our sentiments inside.  I have been hanging on to the one below for some time… card gohring

Why? I am not sure.  I wish I had already sent it to her and had no purple card, but had to make a new one.  I have some time to think about what I will write inside, but as of now… I have no idea what to say.  I just keep thinking of what should have been said before my dear friend Jan was no longer here.

Starting a family blog…

Most people have been blogging about their family for years or their journey through a personal challenge.  I, on the other hand, chose to start blogging a year ago about my professional interests or passions.  It’s not that I don’t love my family, but sometimes I think my family tires of my continual posts of them on Facebook.  To blog about my family is like taking Facebook and putting it on steroids.

But what I am finding is that more and more people are becoming busy with their own families, challenges and lives.  Time to pick up a phone and catch up with one another isn’t always doable… especially when you are in two very different time zones.  So this is why I decided to branch out and share the humble, silly, sometimes serious stories of the Wilson Family on Razorback Ranch.

Our family stories are pretty ordinary, but you will see themes.  Themes of love, passion, persistence, faith, Arkansas Razorbacks and celebration.  I love this family that God blessed me with so completely that when tragedy strikes those around me I lose my breath and shudder.  I hope you enjoy the stories that I share and I hope my family forgives me for the transparency with which I tell our tales.Image

The family: Kritterman, Eric, Kirsten and Embug (fall 2013, Spoofers Stone, Old Main Lawn, University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, Arkansas)

~Kirsten (Mama Razorback)

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